She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Bring me that man meat
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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