I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
