never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
