when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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