Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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