Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
