About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
