Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize