apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
