It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
