dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
