So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
