Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I have already put on my inside pants.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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