if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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