tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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