I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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