today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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