Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
