I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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