Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
