I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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