Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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