The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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