Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
farters have to be the big spoon...
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
