my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She told me I should be a condom model.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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