So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
