if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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