to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
