This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
