I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
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