if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
