I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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