When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
