She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
