Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
