I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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