Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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