Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize