so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
