If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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