Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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