i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
