I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
