So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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