Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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