I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize