Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize