I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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