sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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