Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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