just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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