if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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