Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
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