I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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