I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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