At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize