turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
