Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
