The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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