i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
