fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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