He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
