In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
