I'm laying in your front yard are you home
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
sex in a hospital.. check
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
