its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
