He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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