If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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