So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
