I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
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