That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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