i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
